Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
|
|
1:19 pm
|
|
|
Monday, August 2nd, 2004
|
|
6:49 am
|
|
My home seems like something in another life. as if my life started the day i unpacked my things here but i'm living without so many people and i do miss them. its a shame but i'll never regret the choices i've made.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, June 4th, 2004
|
|
10:01 am
|
I've never missed someone so much in my life :( I dream about him constantly. how silly is that? like this morning i was having a nightmare about dead cats and he jumps into the dream, sweeps me off of my feet and we run away to fuck! screw the cat corpses! I've got my boy!!
my daddy bought me a new camera as a going away/ very belated birthday present :P and i have NO idea how to work the damn thing without picking up the guide lol its crazy. I didn't realize how outdated my old camera was and thats a bit embarrassing :P
had a really long talk with the grandparents yesterday. they had mixed feelings but i think everything is okay. everyone knows that needs to know and none of them really care :P so i don't feel so incredibly bad about leaving.
oh and for the few who might read this and might not know..i'm getting out of this shit hole and moving to be with jason in a little over a week! you know youre jealous!! ha-ha! :P
current music: muse-time is running out
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
|
|
1:00 am
|
|
|
Saturday, May 8th, 2004
|
|
6:06 pm
|
|
Little by little i improve. I feel as if i've come such a long way but i've got too far to go and i know i'll never get there. mostly i'm content being the lesser person but at times i feel incredibly worthless and unworthy of the space i waste.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, May 7th, 2004
|
|
7:22 pm
|
this mortal soil around me
mortal feeling i have found
surrounded by your glory
hold me now so that i never drown
splinter left
focus right
current music: communicator-bush
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
|
|
10:11 pm
|
I wanted better for him. I feel partly responsible for where daniel is right now. i think perhaps i'm a highlighting cause for his sense of failure thats put a damper on every aspect of his life. He's a great guy but he has this deep rooted bitterness thats blinded him to the fact that he deserves so much better than the rest of us. he's compromising his self-worth for the sake of feeling normal and its not right. He of all people should have so much more than this as should amie. No one's in a happy state right now but i'm not complaining. i'm forever grateful for what i have and i know things could be so much worse for everyone. Someday things will be better (but likely not before they get worse :P) and this life will actually seem like its worth the effort.
god damn it that tricky song rots...in....your fucking head. rots!!...and its lodged in there pretty good this time.
current mood:  blah
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
|
|
11:14 pm
|
my world is minute and simplistic to an extreme and i'm not sure how i feel about that :P
current mood: blank
current music: 13 ghosts-tricky
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, April 17th, 2004
|
|
7:37 pm
|
|
|
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
|
|
3:42 am
|
"Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12:28 am
JASON'S COMING!! he's really freaking coming. I can't get over it lol december? the celebration of christ,eggnog and every thing holy? NOPE the month it actually happens!!..forgive me if i faint
oh and jason vance whom amy and i both hate *with a passion* LEFT KROGER!! HE LEFT!! ......HE LEFT!!!!!!!! lol but he went to the new fuel center to work with amie heh heh lol sorry babe. *smooch*"
:P to the many reasons why i find this entry so amusing lol if i could have only seen into the future..I would have attacked the time previously wasted and avoided a couple of things (or people) all together lol. oh how so much hate can stupidly disappear when green eyes gleam so innocent. :
current music: can't smile-red vex
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
|
|
11:46 pm
|
|
|
|
2:31 pm
|
|
|
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
|
|
10:51 pm
|
|
|
Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
|
|
9:36 pm
|
its burning a hole right through me. violent mood swings...its been too damn long. sometimes...you just want to make things happen. i would be willing to cut five years off the end of my life if it would mean seeing him right now for two minutes. I would cut twenty if it meant he could live worry free and without stress. I would be more than willing to shoot myself in the fucking head... :) right now if it meant he could live forever, happily...yes sir. yes i would :P
current music: vanity beach-the knight murders (tbm vs. vb) <<good stuff :)
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Monday, March 29th, 2004
|
|
1:28 am
|
my mind set: He's the beautiful one. he's the one with the upper hand that will someday wake up, realize he deserves so much better and leave me and i'm the one gratefully and desperately hanging on to every moment. everyone has shitty relationships and i figured this just wasn't one of them...it hadn't occurred to me that i treat him abnormally well or any different than any loving girl would. I'm starting to see his vulnerabilities and it makes me love him even more.
the things that bother me about him are completely bearable. I can actually see myself spending a lot of my life with this boy if not all of it...me...completely scared shitless of commitment and yet i feel the need to be with someone for the rest of my life. i can see him fathering my children and that is absolutely HUGE!! lol its in the far far distant future **hopefully!!** but still...thats an enormous factor in trust and faith.....however, staying true to my pessimistic nature: we'll see :P...people change people change people change...don't change..don't ever change. let's not end up bitter and beat down by this life and all of its completely unimportant complications. none of it really matters. just you. you're all that matters. you could knock me to the ground and i would kiss your feet.
current music: to die for-the birthday massacre
|
|
(8 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
|
|
3:16 am
|
:P damn straight.
"((2004-01-08 - 12:58 a.m.))
I keep looking for something easy but maybe convenience isn't everything...or anything."
current music: glycerine-bush
|
|
(9 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
3:08 am
|
just to even it out..an entry from another diary...about the boy who has always been good to me ;)
"its the kind of thing you get when you're not looking
((2004-01-04 - 12:17 a.m.))
sucking on his bottom lip
the smoothness under his tongue
his amazing blue eyes
the pressure of his warm body on top of mine
the warmth of his mouth on my skin
his money shot face ;)
the taste of him
lord god his hands grasping me
his facial stubble :)
his beautiful fingers inside of me
his beautiful vanilla skin
the liquid heartbreak in his glassy eyes as he wept for me
his honesty
his raw sense of humor
I could have eaten the boy alive and yet there were times when i just wanted to hear him breathe.
The week of my life has come and gone and again i'm lovesick and now starving for sex."
current music: flames-vast
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
2:43 am
|
my intentions were always good but i know he hates me now. he gave his blessing but what the fuck does that mean?
"((2003-08-21 - 7:43 p.m.))
All this time there was always a part of me that thought he was too perfect. I thought it was all a contrived effort to be above every one and everything but now it all makes sense. He's perfect for a reason and i never would have guessed. He's flawless because its painful for him to be any other way.
Its not unusual for me to admire him but last night i laid beside him until sunrise, listened to him breathe and watched his lips quiver. I realized then that I'm completely numb to attraction and there's a reason for that. I've never allowed myself to have him and I never will. He's too perfect to be spoiled by me and i can't be guilty of that...but i've realized in the last year that i can't protect him. People are going to abuse him and there's nothing i can do about it because he's not mine to protect.
He knows more about me than any of the people i've ever claimed to trust. He knows the things I never thought i would tell anyone and the things i've been too ashamed to write down. Most people would see this situation as an extremely twisted one but what they don't realize is that its perfection. Its beyond their shallow understanding. Its too perfect to fuck up and fucking his brains out certainly would destroy it all. LOL its funny though..they don't get it!! He literally has naked girls throwing themselves at him and the only person he wants doesn't want him. I'm the bad guy here. I'm the girl ruining it for all the sluts...to the world I'm just the difficult girl who's leading him on but reading this...its known that its not that way at all and they will never grasp the concept. No one touches me and it will be a long time before anyone ever does...and there's a reason for that... "
naive!! so fucking naive. some good points but i failed to realize that the "world" included daniel himself. I was the only one who "got it"...and apparently i was disillusioned on many accounts. the only reason he "knows things" is because there are some things you only say once if ever..and he happen to be present during all my rare confessions.
current music: always artificial - the aeffect
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
|
|
1:21 am
|
going through dozens of old aim conversations has had my emotions jerked in nearly every direction. Some of these i've been lugging around from computer to computer since '99 and i've never taken the time to read them. needless to say its been interesting. Some of the shit people have said to me :P its strange to see how things have changed and who went back on what... and through all of this i've come to some solid conclusions:
-Most "love" is fickle (nothing new there) but no one should condemn anyone because sometimes the most unlikely couples outlast the rest.
-When amie is truly in love a lot of her ugliness subsides. Any thoughts of suicide and bitterness melt away and i can finally recognize the girl i once loved.
-daniel and i...things will never be any different. its always going to be constant turmoil with its extreme ups and downs. so much in fact that a lot of his pictures and such are all gathered in a folder labeled "its over" [from a time where i couldn't stand to look at him but didn't have the heart to delete anything (it seriously was almost over..letters and pictures got ripped up and burned that day lol)] :P and yet i go there frequently to look back on the fond times we've had together.
-jason has been unusually consistent. A lot has changed for him in this past year but he's never gone back on anything he's said and he's never said anything i've found to be untrue.
-random generosity brings me to tears.
and you know..i've been thinking..daniel is moving out of ryan's house which means i'll most likely never have an excuse to go over there :p which is fine because i don't care enough about any one of them to swing by but its really odd to think there are at least two dozen people automatically torn from my life in one sweep. there have been so many memories created in that house...back in the day when it was amie, matt, ryan, daniel and i as the solid "group". there are no solid friendships anymore. Its all about who you can use for popularity, connections, drugs and/or sleazy sex. I miss the innocence and apparently so does daniel...of course we might be a tad bit bitter for being overlooked as neither of us are useful for any of these things...maybe we fail to see the beauty having never been in on the action.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: thrown away-vast
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Monday, February 16th, 2004
|
|
12:07 am
|
" I'm repulsive. I realize that i go back and fourth between being content to being so overly disgusted with myself...but god...lord god...i have so much respect for all who put up with me and who care enough to see past all my many character flaws. Last night i literally wished with my entire heart that I could reverse time and prevent my existence. There's always been a part of me that's hated daniel for loving me but maybe i should hate myself for not sharing that love..and i do but it doesn't change anything. I'm a shallow person. i can only spread myself so thin. thats not a justification for what i have or haven't done but its the explanation. sorry
I'm eating french vanilla pirouette cookies *snuggles can* 'mmmhmmm :)
current music: erotic saints-zeromancer
(2 comments | comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2003"
we've been through this so many times before. who is to say this is for real? Its so exhausting to think that this will probably go on forever.
current music: hopeless-stabbing westard (convenient :P )
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
hallowinfierno's journal